If NCLB were applied to football...

Football Season - "No Child Left Behind"

The Federal government has announced that all high school football teams
must meet "No Child Left Behind" legislation beginning next season. The
following summation outlines the plan:

1. No team will be declared a winner, as that will leave 50% of other
participants behind.

2. All high schools will be divided into districts with eight teams per
district. Every team must finish in at least third place to be proficient.

3. No tournaments will be held as this would result in one champion. (The BCS experimented with this concept in NCAA D-1 football.)

4. All teams must make the state playoffs, and all will win the
championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on
probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held
accountable. (In a recent experiment, the University of Nebraska football
program modeled this theory.)

5. All teams must score at least 21 points, but no defense can allow more
than 7 points.

6. All participants will be expected to have the same football skills at
the same time and in the same conditions; no exceptions for interest in
football, desire in athletics, genetic abilities or disabilities... ALL
CHILDREN WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

7. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own without
instruction, because the coaches will be busy using all their instructional
time with the athletes that aren't interested in football, having limited
athletic ability, and whose parents don't like football.

8. Games will be played year-around, but statistics and records will only
be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th games.

9. This will create a NEW AGE of sports where every school is expected
to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimal
goals. If no child gets ahead, then no child will be left behind.